plushaeusrumpified | Eight Smuppets; Anonymous Text

[Let's all just pretend that the image pictured below is a Ponyta or something.]

Oh. Oh shit. I'm sorry, my bad. That was the wrong picture. But I mean I guess if you squint, you can KIND of see it... I mean, when you compare it to the image down below, anyway. So why don't you go ahead and move on down. I know it's tempting to just stare into the eyes of that beautiful creature, but it's time to get a load of the big brown eye below.

OWNER OF RUMP: Carter Blake

GENDER OF RUMP: Male

RATING OF RUMP: ▫▫▫▫▫

REVIEW OF RUMP

I think I just heard everyone's screams of terror the moment they scrolled down and got a gander at that ass. I know, I know, it's a scary butt. Like damn, that's like something out of a Frankenstein movie. Well, no, I think that's an insult to Frankenstein. You know honestly, I think you're all lucky that I had it in me to do this review. Every time I tried to use my mystical booty rating powers, I was cockblocked by the image of the great big skid marked tighty whities he inevitably has under those slacks.

But I braved the shit encrusted man-panties in order to bring you this review. I looked past the big brown buttstain and saw the true ass within. What I saw made me scream, just like seeing the clothed version made you scream. What I saw was so old and so hairy and so wrinkled that even my mind's eye nearly got lost in the folds of those wrinkles and suffocated. You could play connect the dots on the liver spots. Children would most assuredly have fun with that one, if the sight wasn't so macabre that it makes their eyes projectile vomit from their sockets. I'm calling for several child safety warnings be put on this butt for the sake of everyone.

Let's take a moment to talk about something that jumps out at me from that picture, though. Notice the way he's bent over a table in what appears to be a desperate attempt at seduction. This man much clearly be so deprived that he would bend over and allow anyone to stick it in. Or at least, that's what this image says to me. He also seems to act that way in real life, if you read between the lines. So yes, looking at this butt is a very telling experience. It's telling me that Carter Blake needs to come out of the closet and admit that he would live a double life as a male prostitute if he could get anyone to touch his rump with a ten foot pole, let alone a ten inch dick.

Overall, this ass ain't getting a pass. It's the ugliest butt I've ever seen. It's really unfortunate that it's summer. If he wears swim trunks, it's liable to sag out underneath his shorts legs. That's not an image anyone wants to see, Blake, so please keep that in mind and stay away from the pool this Summer.

That's all for this month's RTR. If you enjoyed it, be sure to check back next month, 'cuz I'll be rating another rump for all my booty bros out there. Stay bootylicious, y'all.

ADDITIONAL RUMP NOTES
❏ NO ❏ HELL NO ❏ HELL FUCKING NO ❏ KILL IT WITH FIRE

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Dude. Bro. Sweetiepie. Didn't we go through this the last time? You don't even know who or where I am. You literally can do nothing to hurt me. I'm not scared of you.

Oh yeah?

[Blake's voice has a manic, not real sane edge to it.]

You fucked up, asshole! There's only one guy out there who talks like that much of a jackass and has a thing for horses.

I know who you are, and I'm gonna find you.

[You may've gone just a little too far, Bro.]

[Oh. Well shit.

Maybe he wasn't as subtle as he should've been. It's not like he's scared, but he doesn't want his cover blown either. What a sticky little situation he's in. Ah well, he'll get out of it somehow, he's sure.]

Let's pretend for a moment I am who you think I am. What the fuck does it matter? I mean, you're taking this really fucking seriously. Damn dude, it's just a butt review. Lighten up!

[There's Blake's usual level of pissed off that he passes in and out of a half dozen times a day, and then there's bone-deep furious.]

This is a fucking joke to you?

Let's see how funny it is after I beat the shit out of you and haul your ass to court for slander.

Yes, this is a joke to me. Ha ha. You were supposed to laugh.

But really now. Slander. Over saying your butt is ugly. What fucking court is going to take you seriously?

Edited 2013-08-08 22:05 (UTC)

[Blake's eyes pop out over the gall of the asshole to play dumb.]

I don't give a shit about that part! You can call me whatever kind of ugly you want, the problem is spreading your sick, fucked-up lies!

[You know what? It's obvious that Blake knows who he is, and this shit is getting kind of serious, so whatever. He'll bite and start a private video feed.]

Calm. the fuck. down. Is that what this is about? This is like the second damn time we've had a conflict over me implying you're gay. What the fuck is the problem? It was a joke. Do I think you're gay? No. But you get really damn oversensitive whenever this subject comes up.

[Blake's suspicions are confirmed when that smug asshole face comes up, but it doesn't mollify him any. He wraps his mitt around the phone and shouts straight into the screen]

What the fuck is wrong with you?! Implying?! You called me a queer to the whole fucking world, you think anybody in their right mind wouldn't be pissed off?!

[His other hand jabs a finger at the screen.]

Here's the idea - make all the stupid jokes you want, but don't go around making serious fucking allegations.

[The fact that the asshole doesn't even think it's true doesn't make it any better.]

[Blake's expression is dark, violence coalescing behind it]

You better watch your back.

Consider it watched.

[It's the first words out of his mouth after Blake is finished speaking. For once, it seems like he's really crossed a line here. Pony jokes were one thing, but apparently this? This was the line. He didn't just cross it, he sped right through it going a hundred miles an hour.

Bro knows that people get really fucking stupid about sexuality, but damn this guy is really taking it seriously.]

You need to calm down though, man. You're acting like anyone actually took it seriously. They didn't. [And as an after thought...] What year are you from?

[Blake gets himself under some control, once the asshole understands he means business.]

[He gives him a dark glare from under his eyebrows.] They'd better not have.

2011, what's it matter?

It matters because you're fuckin' stuck in the past. You're like what, fifty? Old enough to be all homophobic and shit. It all makes sense now.

[Bro rolls his eyes and shakes his head.]

You need to get over yourself, man. Especially here, with so damn many diverse people. Can't walk down the street without seeing boys kissing. Okay that's an exaggeration, but still. Still.

[He doesn't bother correcting the age. It's close enough.]

Age has nothing to do with it. [Yes it does.]

[Uh-uh, he's not buying it.] If you're so enlightened, what are you doing using it for an insult?

You're so full of shit. Age has everything to do with it, and we both know it.

[He folds his arms.]

I'm not using it as an insult. I said nothing negative in regards to your homosexuality, or lack thereof. I think you should embrace it, to be perfectly honest. I mean you're already one step in that direction, what with the stick wedged up your ass. Might as well replace it with something a little more fleshy.

All right, maybe it does. Maybe I'm from a generation with some decency standards.

[And he's old enough that homosexuality being outright illegal is in his memory.]

[Blake was starting to bring his temper down, but it comes right back up again. Anger prickles on his skin and stiffens his jaw.]

If you don't have a death wish, you'll shut the fuck up right now.

Decency standards? Are you fucking kidding me?

[You can be pissy all you want, you're being offensive to him so he's not going to just back down. He may have stepped in it, but that doesn't mean he's afraid of Blake.]

There's not a damn thing indecent about hot, passionate, sweaty gay sex. You're making a huge deal out of nothing. But fine, you know what? I'll quit making jabs at you so long as you admit you're a homophobe and fix yourself.

Yeah. There's things you don't go shouting in the streets.

[Oh he's gonna be pissy all right. This bastard has to know this is serious.]

[A wince passes over his face.] That's the kind of filthy shit I'm talking about.

[Bro says it like it's conciliatory, but Blake sees the hook.] Is that a threat?

I'm not a goddamn homophobe, I'm not scared of anything. I don't give a shit what anybody else does as long as you leave me out of it.

Edited 2013-08-23 13:26 (UTC)

Eight Smuppets; Anonymous Text

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