Eight Smuppets; Anonymous Text

[plushaeusrumpified]

[Let's all just pretend that the image pictured below is a Ponyta or something.]

Oh. Oh shit. I'm sorry, my bad. That was the wrong picture. But I mean I guess if you squint, you can KIND of see it... I mean, when you compare it to the image down below, anyway. So why don't you go ahead and move on down. I know it's tempting to just stare into the eyes of that beautiful creature, but it's time to get a load of the big brown eye below.

OWNER OF RUMP: Carter Blake GENDER OF RUMP: Male RATING OF RUMP: ▫▫▫▫▫

REVIEW OF RUMP

I think I just heard everyone's screams of terror the moment they scrolled down and got a gander at that ass. I know, I know, it's a scary butt. Like damn, that's like something out of a Frankenstein movie. Well, no, I think that's an insult to Frankenstein. You know honestly, I think you're all lucky that I had it in me to do this review. Every time I tried to use my mystical booty rating powers, I was cockblocked by the image of the great big skid marked tighty whities he inevitably has under those slacks.

But I braved the shit encrusted man-panties in order to bring you this review. I looked past the big brown buttstain and saw the true ass within. What I saw made me scream, just like seeing the clothed version made you scream. What I saw was so old and so hairy and so wrinkled that even my mind's eye nearly got lost in the folds of those wrinkles and suffocated. You could play connect the dots on the liver spots. Children would most assuredly have fun with that one, if the sight wasn't so macabre that it makes their eyes projectile vomit from their sockets. I'm calling for several child safety warnings be put on this butt for the sake of everyone.

Let's take a moment to talk about something that jumps out at me from that picture, though. Notice the way he's bent over a table in what appears to be a desperate attempt at seduction. This man much clearly be so deprived that he would bend over and allow anyone to stick it in. Or at least, that's what this image says to me. He also seems to act that way in real life, if you read between the lines. So yes, looking at this butt is a very telling experience. It's telling me that Carter Blake needs to come out of the closet and admit that he would live a double life as a male prostitute if he could get anyone to touch his rump with a ten foot pole, let alone a ten inch dick.

Overall, this ass ain't getting a pass. It's the ugliest butt I've ever seen. It's really unfortunate that it's summer. If he wears swim trunks, it's liable to sag out underneath his shorts legs. That's not an image anyone wants to see, Blake, so please keep that in mind and stay away from the pool this Summer.

That's all for this month's RTR. If you enjoyed it, be sure to check back next month, 'cuz I'll be rating another rump for all my booty bros out there. Stay bootylicious, y'all.

ADDITIONAL RUMP NOTES
❏ NO ❏ HELL NO ❏ HELL FUCKING NO ❏ KILL IT WITH FIRE

Comments

[Video]

[friendyousohard]

Huh. So flanks are used as a measure of attractiveness for humans...

[Clearly this is important information she needs to take down. It goes a long way to explaining why not to show off their cutie marks.]

That was, uh... really detailed, by the way.

[Anon Text]

[plushaeusrumpified]

Yes. Yes they are.

[No. Twilight, you should show off your cutie marks to everypony. Every single one.]

I take rumps really seriously, so of COURSE it's detailed. You can expect only the most in depth assnalysis.

[Text]

[friendyousohard]

[Well, if they're doing text, she might as well switch over. It's easier for her to type anyway.]

Okay, so... I'm not sure I even really want to ask this, but call it curiosity. How exactly do you get your analysis? I get the feeling he didn't exactly up and volunteer to be studied.

[Don't ask for what you can't handle, Bro. Dat Plot is too Bootylicious for anypony.]

[plushaeusrumpified]

The answer is ghosts. A ghost armed with a camera can get almost anything, no matter how deep it's buried under old tightie whities. That's really all there is to it. At least, not without revealing a few personal secrets.

[video] 1/2

[lieutenantantichrist]

It's a good thing you like asses so much.

[video] 2/2

[lieutenantantichrist]

[Blake's face transforms into a rictus of rage as he shouts loud enough that Pidgeys are startled out of the trees and spittle flecks the Gear screen]

BECAUSE YOU CAN KISS YOURS GOODBYE!

[Anon text]

[plushaeusrumpified]

Dude. Bro. Sweetiepie. Didn't we go through this the last time? You don't even know who or where I am. You literally can do nothing to hurt me. I'm not scared of you.

[text]

[notchinese]

thank you for the wonderful mental image. i can feel my brain vomiting after reading your detailed analysis on some old guy's butt

[In other words, you should be a writer, Bro.]

[anon text]

[plushaeusrumpified]

Hey, at least your eyes didn't spontaneously combust on you. Mine nearly did! A little brain vomit never hurt anyone for too long.

I do suggest a bit of brain bleach to help with that, though.

[text]

[pianosongs]

Is there a reason you're opting for public humiliation for spontaneous male individuals in this world?

[text]

[plushaeusrumpified]

Public humiliation? Please. I'm just giving everyone a chance at the spotlight they want. Who doesn't like attention? I bet you enjoyed it when it was your turn. Don't deny it, you liked having you butt complimented. It's just not my fault Blake's butt was gross.

[Voice]

[moveslikestrider]

...his name is Carter?? [Not commenting on the rest. Ever.]

[Anon text. Like it isn't obvious to Dave.]

[plushaeusrumpified]

Yes, it is. Isn't it a weird name for a cop? I mean, you just don't picture a cop named Carter. Maybe a cashier. Maybe even a barista. But not a cop.

[Voice]

[moveslikestrider]

Nah, I just never realized the one thing I lacked was his name. He was just 'the cop'. Now upgraded to 'maybe not sane'. Stop poking at him already.

text;

[ghostytrainer]

[John almost regrets checking the network while they were at a quick stop on cycling road.]

what.

[No, seriously. What.]

anon text;

[plushaeusrumpified]

What what in the butt.

[That's literally all that can be said in response.]

text forever, non anon on his side

[ghostytrainer]

okay, i guess i set myself up for that one.
maybe a better question would have been... why?
also this is kinda mean, don't you think?

[text]

[eclectictype]

why

[anon text]

[plushaeusrumpified]

Why not? I'm doing everyone a favor. They all need to know who has the best booty.

Video

[thecalmone]

[Alphonse is... somewhere between horrified and amused, and can't help chiming in.]

You do this... monthly?

[Anon text]

[plushaeusrumpified]

I try, at least. But you know how it is, sometimes training gets intensive, or I'm just busy getting some. I usually try and do one at least once a month, though. Booties are pretty fucking important, after all.

Video

[thecalmone]

What? And people don't... notice you taking pictures of them?

[He would go to text but... he's not entirely sure how.]

[tookthename]

That was one of the most entertaining things I've read the entire time I've been here.

anon text forever

[plushaeusrumpified]

I'm glad I could be of service. Unless you enjoy a rousing game of connect the liver spots, I would stay far, far away from this guy.

text

[tookthename]

Oh trust me, I already planned on it.