plushaeusrumpified | Eight Smuppets; Anonymous Text

[Let's all just pretend that the image pictured below is a Ponyta or something.]

Oh. Oh shit. I'm sorry, my bad. That was the wrong picture. But I mean I guess if you squint, you can KIND of see it... I mean, when you compare it to the image down below, anyway. So why don't you go ahead and move on down. I know it's tempting to just stare into the eyes of that beautiful creature, but it's time to get a load of the big brown eye below.

OWNER OF RUMP: Carter Blake

GENDER OF RUMP: Male

RATING OF RUMP: ▫▫▫▫▫

REVIEW OF RUMP

I think I just heard everyone's screams of terror the moment they scrolled down and got a gander at that ass. I know, I know, it's a scary butt. Like damn, that's like something out of a Frankenstein movie. Well, no, I think that's an insult to Frankenstein. You know honestly, I think you're all lucky that I had it in me to do this review. Every time I tried to use my mystical booty rating powers, I was cockblocked by the image of the great big skid marked tighty whities he inevitably has under those slacks.

But I braved the shit encrusted man-panties in order to bring you this review. I looked past the big brown buttstain and saw the true ass within. What I saw made me scream, just like seeing the clothed version made you scream. What I saw was so old and so hairy and so wrinkled that even my mind's eye nearly got lost in the folds of those wrinkles and suffocated. You could play connect the dots on the liver spots. Children would most assuredly have fun with that one, if the sight wasn't so macabre that it makes their eyes projectile vomit from their sockets. I'm calling for several child safety warnings be put on this butt for the sake of everyone.

Let's take a moment to talk about something that jumps out at me from that picture, though. Notice the way he's bent over a table in what appears to be a desperate attempt at seduction. This man much clearly be so deprived that he would bend over and allow anyone to stick it in. Or at least, that's what this image says to me. He also seems to act that way in real life, if you read between the lines. So yes, looking at this butt is a very telling experience. It's telling me that Carter Blake needs to come out of the closet and admit that he would live a double life as a male prostitute if he could get anyone to touch his rump with a ten foot pole, let alone a ten inch dick.

Overall, this ass ain't getting a pass. It's the ugliest butt I've ever seen. It's really unfortunate that it's summer. If he wears swim trunks, it's liable to sag out underneath his shorts legs. That's not an image anyone wants to see, Blake, so please keep that in mind and stay away from the pool this Summer.

That's all for this month's RTR. If you enjoyed it, be sure to check back next month, 'cuz I'll be rating another rump for all my booty bros out there. Stay bootylicious, y'all.

ADDITIONAL RUMP NOTES
❏ NO ❏ HELL NO ❏ HELL FUCKING NO ❏ KILL IT WITH FIRE

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[John almost regrets checking the network while they were at a quick stop on cycling road.]

what.

[No, seriously. What.]

What what in the butt.

[That's literally all that can be said in response.]

okay, i guess i set myself up for that one.
maybe a better question would have been... why?
also this is kinda mean, don't you think?

Yes, you did.

The answer to why should be obvious, man. The people of the Pokémon world need to know who has a good butt and who doesn't. Otherwise they're just going in blind if they ever decide they wanna tap that. They need to know who's got a big juicy double, y'know. Get 'em begging for a piece of that bubble.